The Friendships Between Women

When I look for real inspiration, I certainly can’t turn to television and that’s painful to say because I work in television news.  When it comes to what women want or who they are– why are we being defined by shows like MOB Wives, Basketball Wives, or  The Real Housewives? None of the women, mothers, aunts, sisters I know live like that. They are not cat fighting  or street fighting with their friends, wearing clothes exposing their “assetts” or putting their kids on the back burner. They are married and love their kids and husbands, or single heads of households working to make the bacon and fry it. They are going back to school or starting up their own businesses.  So why aren’t we being seen like that?    Look in your own community and you will find women who are changing the world.  I submit -how we are viewed –as emotional wrecks– on these shows is partially to blame for some people  in their own minds refusing to see us as the powerful, fearless women we are. 

However, this is not a call to beg Hollywood to bring real reality to the Big and Small screen, this is a call for us to tell our own stories and share them.  I want to share the story of Rene Syler. A former tv journalist, she was fired and then had a double mastectomy. Breast cancer ran in her family and although she didn’t have it yet,  she fearlessly chose the procedure. Check out her story. Go to her website www.GoodEnoughMother.com  And for stories on real women, go to www.wnyt.com and check out my stories on women.

And, share those stories right here on my blog about the ‘real’ women  you know. I am positive you have women in your own lives and community that could define what it means to be a woman.

What a year it has been!  Lots of ups and lots of downs.  But as the year comes to a close-I am thankful for all the successes and all the challenges. Yeah-the challenges too.  It sounds cliche but I’m glad for the challenges-they really made me question what I was doing -why I was doing it and what value the mistakes, troubles, problems, etc. had in my life and future.  

And as the year comes to an end I am still hopeful that a new year will offer me another chance to fulfill goals and help others fulfill theirs.

What about you-what does the end of this year and start of a new one mean to you? Whatever happens don’t give up. And don’t let your challenges or others define you!

Elaine

Where did the summer go?  I -like so many people want to know-I am not ready for the shorter days of daylight, the times when we have to start wearing socks and pantyhose and hats and gloves and long johns-not ready to sleep on flannel sheets and add blankets and ok-you get it.

I want to go on trips to Martha’s Vineyard (photo: there I am with my friends on a ferry heading to the Vineyard) eat chowder and barbecue chicken, wear flip flops and sundresses.   I am full of dread about this –I am anxious over this.

However Mother Nature is getting ready–trees are preparing to shed their coats-by first going brilliant with colors of yellow, orange and red.

 And so here is the lesson I get from this is- not to dread the change but to embrace it. Walk into it with a new a look both physically and emotionally-determined to create a new goal and to fulfill it. I am always ever mindful that I am blessed to have been born in this country. I have traveled to a number of countries and I know that this is a great country with great opportunities. And, to not be an achiever, a contributor, a volunteer to someone else would be an insult to all I have been given. What have I been given-peace-a chance to get an education-a chance to work and make my own money- to be an independent woman… In many countries women are not allowed to get and education, to be independent, to be a free thinker.  So, welcome winter as a time to study and learn something you do not know. Clip coupons and save money. Take a dance class. Cook a big meal and invite your neighbor. Don’t die in your winter-live.

Elaine

THE MASKED WOMAN

We’ve all heard of the masked man-usually he is a super hero or comic book character. He always saves the day but because of his super strength or super power this ordinary looking guy has to wear a mask. The mask is to prevent the bad guys from knowing who the super hero is and what he has in his arsenal-his powers and it also means he can’t be like everybody else. He sometimes has to leave the party to go leap a tall building. It has to be lonely sometimes. It has to get old sometimes.

  Two weeks ago, I went to a retreat with about 50 women., some of whom I did not know. We were able to have free time, to meditate, but  a couple of times we came together. At one of our sessions we were given a mask and marker and asked to write on it any emotions or feelings or things that had happened to us that caused us to wear a mask. People wrote things like anger, sadness, abuse, depression, rejection, hopelessness, etc.  

Then we were asked to identify our emotion and those with the same emotion were asked to discuss how we got there or what lead to us wearing a mask. Once the person shared what was behind the emotion of let’s say sadness and how that led to them to wearing a mask of joy when deep down they were miserable,they explained ‘smiling’ was just a way to hide abuse and rejection. Then we were asked to hug a person with the same emotion or wearing the same mask.  The goal was to declare the feeling, identify what led to those feelings, receive healing by way of a hug and the recognition of their pain and then they could take off the mask.  The session was about two hours, people were crying and sharing and you could feel the breakthroughs and the clarity. At the end of the night the masks were thrown in the same fire where the women roasted marshmallows. It was a wonderful.   Life can be hard, and many times confusing and as we try to just find our way through the rough times, we put on a mask.   But we are not super “her’ros. We are women and most of the times we have a lot on our plates.  We have to learn to be honest with ourselves and others. We have to use the power given us- the power we were born with to say ‘no’ to those who try and make us continue to wear the mask. And when we recognize that we are wearing one we have to take it off.   Elaine

PLEASE forgive me-it’s been months since I’ve blogged-but it has been a very busy five months or so. However,  they’ve been a good five months. I got an opportunity to do something I wanted to do and that is give back  and teach communications on the college level.  Actually this was junior college. When I stared out, I attended junior college-a great one with a great school newspaper which gave me a chance to work and hone my skills as a student reporter-long before becoming a television reporter.  From junior college, I went on to a four year university, then a four year broadcast school and finally graduate school.  So, I wanted to give back to students what I got. It was challenging and I am glad I did it.  Part of the challenge was creating lesson plans and making the lessons relavant to the students. That  left me very little time to blog- but again I am glad I did it.  During that time, I also got a new assignment, actually I asked for it- looking for stories impacting women. It’s called Today’s Women and you can check out my stories on the tv side of things at www.wnyt.com look under Only on 13.   Check out that blog too.  I also had the public screening  of my first documentary, TOUCH A WOMAN,TOUCH A ROCK.  So, you can see I have been busy. I hope you are seeing a theme here.  If you want it-”YOU” have to make it happen. I told you I was glad to have been able to teach but I was disappointed when on several occasions some of my students didn’t want to do the work but expected a good grade.   It may sound like a cliche but  nothing is free.   If you want something-give it everything, so when its all over win or lose-you win-because you tried.  Live hard-not abusively-but put your back into it.  Live like you’re dying-like you may not getting another chance. There’s this popular song by the same name-I don’t know the lyrics, but I like the title.       Elaine

letters from documentaryI got a wonderful opportunity to travel to Africa in 2007 and 2008. I took along my video camera and interviewed women in Tanzania and South Africa and found out they are just like the women I know. They want  better lives for themselves and their families. Challenges to that better life include poverty, AIDS and traditions that say women are inferior to men. I also started an email conversation with women in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo. The women there that I am friends with are in a hospital where a wonderful doctor, Denis Muwege has given thousands of them shelter as he repairs the physical and emotional damage done by rape. The war in Congo has  resulted in thousands of women being raped by soldiers. These soldiers have raped female babies, girls, young ladies and the elderly. It is an epidemic. In 2008, I received letters from about 40 of the women. In those letters they detailed  the horrors that had taken place and in 2009, I included their letters in my first documentary about the women in Congo, as well as the women I met in Tanzania and South Africa. It is called, TOUCH A WOMAN, TOUCH A ROCK. 

In a couple of weeks, I will have a public viewing of the documentary. My only hope is that it will raise awareness about the problems facing women in these African countries and that it will somehow make their lives better.

What a year it has been!  A lot of ups and a lot of downs.  It may sound cliche but I am happy for the challenges as well as the successes. That’s because the challenges this year in particular really  made  me search for answers and forced me to look inside and question what I was doing in life-why I was spending my time on it and the value of it in regards to my  future.

Elaine in Times Square

And I’m happy to say that as the year comes to a close, I am grateful about the possibilities and excited about the new year and the chance to fulfill those goals-as well as help others fulfill theirs.

What about you? What goals are you working toward? No matter what don’t give up and don’t allow challenges and the opinions of others dictate your future. 

Elaine

I’m sorry-two small words that are not said often enough or soon enough by most of us.  Several years ago, I made a point of apologizing whenever I offended someone and had it within my power to do so. So I am apologizing to the person who wrote a very negative and heart cutting comment about me on this blog.

What he/she said (they signed the comment anonymous) was that I was the most miserable person they ever met and that my misery made them miserable at work.  Read any of the local newspapers and you will be up to date on the challenges that took place at the television station at the end of 2008.

The result was that at the beginning of 2009, I was working on a new show and all the people in the studio who were familiar and helpful to me were gone. There was a new crew and I should have been able to give them all “all” the patience they needed to get up to speed, but instead I was frustrated by their mistakes. I couldn’t wait to get off the show-each day.  No dobut the person who wrote the email worked that show.

There are no excuses-I need to woman-up to this-I was wrong. I had the wrong attitude.

I normally blog about the women I meet and how they inspire, motivate and encourage me. But, perhaps with this blog I can do that for other women. we all make mistakes, get angry, sometimes even down because of the challenges we face and before it develops into something else, we need to apologize for our attitudes.  With all the work we do for our communities, families and jobs and with all the work we were born to do to help make this world better, we don’t have time to lose focus, spin our wheels and become ineffective.

When we are making others miserable, we are ineffective.  Asking for forgiveness as we try to handle tough challenges-dealing with and examining the challenges we face head- instead of just resenting those challenges-is the better strategy. 

I am not miserable. I am refocused and ready to work on my goal of helping change the lives of women and girls. During those earlier challenges this year, I was also trying to earn a master’s degree. Now I have it.  I’m sure more challenges are right around the corner and I am planning to say I’m sorry if need be.

Elaine